Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
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There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Meanwhile in Portland…
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
What fresh Hell is this?!?