Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: