*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.