School be like
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Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.