ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you