My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time