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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.