I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You Might Also Like
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n