#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
getting corrected
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.