One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Very good! 👍😂
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me