You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles