When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work