If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”