WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah