just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
somebody come look at this
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.