Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
You Might Also Like
My plans: 2020:
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back