A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
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You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?