doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Mad Max Arctic Road