I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
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That was easy.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.