No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Don鈥檛 ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won鈥檛 like it tomorrow.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Go枚gle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning