Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Never forget.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.