Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
FINE, I WON’T.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
hey, alexa
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace