CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
me irl
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.