”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.