[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
The game has officially changed 😎
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”