Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.