I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.