Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama