drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..