*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
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Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!