Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.