Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan