hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
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Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
plant them where lol
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.