To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
estão todos miauvindo?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.