They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane