The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.