him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
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Coffee for people with no kids
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.