Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Every damn time