If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Something Saturday.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?