Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You Might Also Like
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.