Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe