Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”