SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Good morning
Lunatics are gonna loon.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.