If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.