How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You Might Also Like
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Born to be mild.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?