What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
You Might Also Like
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men