COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
You Might Also Like
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*