kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Omg like wtf
-me, praying