Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!