“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.